Laura Smith (20s)

Laura is passionate about solving crimes, diving in headfirst with confidence and a tendency to act before she thinks. When things get tough, her first instinct is to give up—but she quickly bounces back, ready to face the challenge. Chaotic yet determined, she approaches everything with a mix of boldness and unpredictability.

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Side: 

Laura: “A woman is Missing! And I assume near death, or at least some kind of unconsciousness. I’m the only person on this damn island who can save her! If you don’t let me in there, and she dies, HANK, there’ll be blood on your hands!”

Narrator

The Narrator provides context and commentary throughout the podcast. They are not a character within the story but serve as a guide, offering explanations and setting the scene for each episode. Their age and gender are left undefined, focusing solely on their role as the storyteller.

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Side: 

Narrator: "Things are going unusually well at the Neptune Café, as Laura, Orla, and Arron are busy serving customers, thanks to Simon's clever advertising campaign. He has launched various theme days to attract customers to coffee.

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Today's theme is Bring Your Ex to a Coffee Shop Day.

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A great opportunity to bring your special person to a coffee shop and break up with them... with a nice discount."

Orla Kelly (30s)

Orla is confident, brash, and a bit unpredictable. She’s the type to make bold, often inappropriate remarks without much thought. Despite her often crude sense of humor and tendency to be a little too candid, Orla is fiercely independent and isn’t afraid to take charge when needed. She works alongside Laura and Arron at Neptune Café, offering a balance of chaotic energy in the midst of the tension between the more reserved Laura and the anxious Arron. 

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Side: 

Orla: "Nicotine and asbestos are probably a lot healthier than what he normally eats. We should let him enjoy it."

Arron Clitheroe (18 - 20)

Arron is a part-time barista at Neptune Café and Laura’s colleague. He’s anxious, often fumbling his words, and tends to avoid confrontation. He’s not the bravest, but he’s loyal to Laura, even if it means doing things he’d rather not. His awkwardness and tendency to complain in uncomfortable situations add a comedic touch to his character. 

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Side: 

Arron: (Panicking slightly) "Oh Christ, I wish you told me why you wanted me here. I would’ve brought gloves or just not come at all! (Gags) Oh, this is just… disgusting." 

Ikea Johansson
(20s)

Ikea Johansson is a renowned Swedish private detective, known for her sharp intellect and methodical approach to solving cases. Confident and competitive, she is Laura's rival, preferring observation and silence over direct questioning. Ikea’s unsettling sense of humour and unconventional methods set her apart as a formidable detective.  

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​Side: 

Ikea: "I have never asked a question in my entire life, and I suspect that I never will. I think we should split up, for now. You can go and ask your questions, and I will meditate on this crime and picture the body."

Sergeant Henry Waters
(60s)

Henry Waters, the head of police on Goorsemoor, is a seasoned leader known for his unwavering commitment to order and justice. Firm, fair, and level-headed, he commands respect from all, through his measured responses and dedication to the law. However, his patience is constantly tested by Laura, whose unconventional methods often border on reckless. Though Henry is more than fed up with her antics, he grudgingly acknowledges her occasional knack for breakthroughs.  

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Side: 

Henry: “If you promise to leave immediately, you can help in the preliminary questioning. Interview the Ians and let me know if you found anything interesting. Beyond that...leave it to the professionals.” 

Ian Ostler (40s)

Ian is the local tour guide. In his mid-forties, he has the nose of a hawk and the face of an otter. Ian has an enthusiastic, quirky demeanor with a hint of playfulness. He loves his job and offers facts with humor, even if they're exaggerated. His tone is upbeat and full of energy, with a dash of dramatic flair, especially when he’s telling a story or delivering a “fun fact.”

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Side:

(Ian emerges from the crowd, parting them dramatically, and addresses Laura with enthusiasm.) 

Ian (excited): “Hey hey hey, what time is it? It’s stone time! Who’s ready to see some rocks? We’ve got them all here, both kinds!” 

Pam Ostler (70s)

Pam is an elderly woman who has lived on the island for most of her life. She’s been guiding tourists around the island for decades, her tough exterior hiding her more sinister, controlling side. When Laura meets her, Pam seems quirky and harmless, but it soon becomes clear that she is much more dangerous than she lets on. Pam is an opportunist with a dark agenda—her desire for power and wealth has led her to murder anyone who threatens her secrets. 

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Side: 

Laura: (sitting on a bench, wrapped in her babushka scarf, looking at Laura as she approaches) 

You there, Mrs. senior pensioner. I need you to take me to the Ol’ Graves. I'm looking for a missing person, and I have reason to believe it’s connected to her disappearance. 

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Pam: (shakes her head slowly) You wanna go out to the ol' caves, do ya? Cor, don’t feel like I’ve been down that way in an age. Used to be that you couldn’t move for people goin' that way. Nah, it’s all gone downhill since they got that clean water to the island. Back in my day… (trails off) 

Nel Winslow (50s)

Nel is a quirky and slightly scatterbrained florist who dabbles in spiritual practices. She’s casually blunt and unbothered by the oddities around her. 

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Side: 

Nel: “Is Pandora in here? She was meant to be restoring the balance in my spine yesterday, and she never turned up.” (Glancing at her phone) 

Richard Masheder (30s)

Richard is an anxious, well-meaning journalist who frequently finds himself in situations far beyond his expertise. Although he's out of his depth when confronting criminals or handling high-pressure scenarios, he tries his best to contribute, whether by hiding a camera or attempting to stand his ground with a sword.

Side: 

Richard: “I’m a professional journalist and this is a front-page scoop. Finally, it’s my turn to shine. Screw you, Barry Langford!”

Claire Louise Atkins (20s)

Claire Louise Atkins is an extremely organized, self-righteous librarian who thrives on her ability to keep things in order and correct others. She exudes an air of superiority, particularly towards Laura, whom she enjoys tormenting with her superior knowledge of books, family history, and the art of alphabetization. She’s always calm and composed, rarely showing genuine emotion, but is quick to criticize and pass judgment, especially when she believes it makes her seem more knowledgeable or capable than others.

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Side: 

Claire Louise: "Someone has to keep things in order, Laura. Chaos isn’t everyone’s preferred working method...Unlike some, I pay attention to detail."